Those daily squabbles may be irritating to some and a fact of life for other parents, but the way we handle them can have a big impact on future fights and the relationship between our kids.
It’s important to have a plan on how to manage the unavoidable disagreements that crop up everyday. If you don’t have a system to resolve the petty disputes, it can turn into a deeper conflict that leads to more serious fall-outs.
While everyone situation and family is different, there are some common things to bear in mind when dealing with sibling arguments.
Generally …
- Mostly harmless but can lead to long term rift.
- Should be left to figure it out themselves.
- Be aware of any problematic unresolved issues.
- Ask them about it individually when they’ve calmed down.
- Step in if there are nasty words, hitting or meanness.
- Create a Family Dispute Resolution Plan (FDRP).
When asked to get involved …
- Be calm, unemotional and balanced.
- Don’t take sides regardless of who’s crying or younger.
- Focus on cooling down heated emotions.
- Show love and empathy to both sides.
- Talk slowly and intentionally to calm everything down.
- Be prepared to give this time & attention. Defer if needed. Don’t rush it or be impatient.
- Use humor or distractions to break the intensity of the situation.
Resolving the conflict …
- Give each child a chance to share their side of the story.
- Speak to them individually if necessary.
- Summarize the facts of the dispute together.
- Identify unacceptable behavior that break house rules.
- Point out any silly, avoidable & human mistakes.
- Point out areas where emotions controlled actions.
- Walkthrough the path of how things went wonky.
- Discuss how key events could have been handled better.
- Encourage them to accept both their own and their sibling’s mistakes.
- Don’t force anyone to say or accept things they’re not comfortable with.
- Highlight the important life lessons learnt.
- Remind them resolving and managing conflicts is a superpower that makes them strong.