Ben and Sam are two best friends who are the same age and have similar height, weight and overall build. One day, the boys were in the park climbing a tree when the branch they were standing on broke, leaving them hanging onto the branch above by their arms. Both boys were shocked and shouted for help.
Ben’s father looked up and spoke loudly but clearly, giving reassuring instructions to, “Hold on tight Ben”. In contrast, Sam’s dad started screaming in a panicked state, “Don’t fall Sam, don’t fall”.
After hearing their parents’ messages, Sam became terrified and eventually fell. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt badly. In contrast, Ben regained his composure, and was able to climb back down confidently.
So what happened?
Assuming both boys had similar strength and physical abilities, the only difference is how their parents spoke to them.
Ben could hear that his dad was calm from the tone of his voice – this helped to calm him down too. In addition, his father gave a positive and actionable message to ‘hold on tight’, which was simple to follow.
On the other hand, the frantic scream from Sam’s dad only made his son more disoriented. And the negative message was not productive as it forced Sam to think of – and hence visualize – what not to do. It was too complicated and difficult to process in the heat of the moment.
Furthermore, the focus was on “fall”, which is what we’re trying to avoid. “Don’t let go” would have been better, but “Don’t fall” doesn’t tell Sam what to do, it just tells him what not to do. Not helpful at all.